Friday, April 23, 2010

2010 Michigan Football Season

Midway through the 2009 Michigan football season, we fans were gifted with a shocking secret that took pretty much everyone by surprise: Rich Rodriguez [REDACTED BECAUSE I AM NOW AN ADULT]. Sure, in September it looked like the team just about had the national title on lockdown, but then Coach Rod realized this was not something he wanted yet. In week 5, when facing little brother Michigan State, he decided to [REDACTED] and start putting to rest any chances of this national title season seeing the light of day when he let the team lose the coin toss to start the overtime. Any good coach knows exactly what side the coin is going to land on, and coach decided not to divulge this information to the team. The next week he finished the job, putting Lil Wayne in for a potential game-winning drive against the worst top-5 team in the history of the world while Tate sat on the sidelines. This after he had one of the most clutch months in freshman history and proclaimed he "doesn't get nervous." After the game pretty much everyone was confused by the big grin on RichRod's face, which was no doubt there because he knew something the rest of us didn't: the job was complete. Lucky for Michigan fans, even a [baby] could beat Delaware State and the team didn't finish the season on an 8-game losing streak.

Enter 2010. Rich Rod has finally accepted the duties that come with being a father. Denard "Usain Bolt" Robinson has now learned how to play his position (throw the ball). Sure, we lost Donovan Warren early but we're replacing him with a certain Demar Dorsey, who wasn't phased by an Urban Meyer [overture] (see Tim Tebow) and made the right college choice.

Obviously the name "Michigan" alone will give us easy wins against lesser Big Ten teams (everyone except Penn State and Ohio State). As for Penn State, everyone knows that "we own Penn State." And Joe Pa is old as shit. Nuff said. Some of you out there might be saying "there's no way you'll beat Ohio State with Terrelle Pryor back for his third year!!!" though. For one thing, I don't know if you've heard about Pryor's philosophy on life, but he believes that "everyone kills people, everyone steals." Seriously, if he tries to go pro he will definitely set a record low on the Wonderlic... but I digress. As I was saying, Pryor will probably be in jail on a life sentence by mid-November, so that won't be a problem. Big Ten Championship: Check.

Even if there are somehow two or more other undefeated teams, there is no doubt that the BCS will reward Michigan's tough strength of schedule and vault them into the top 2. Featuring two under-the-radar pro factories on the non-conference slate (Massachusetts and Bowling Green) will no doubt add further to the Big Ten conference title. The best part is Urban Meyer will probably have had a heart attack by this time, so he won't be able to cry his way into the title game circa 2006. I hope all you Michigan fans out there somehow stumbled upon this blog and are prepping for the year, and I have one final thing to say: fear not, my friends, Rich Rod is finally ready to knock up our dreams and let them live to see the 2011 title game.